A week since I got back to Pune after 10 months. Delays were there because it depended on my treatment process. It's been extremely overwhelming since I got back, as I do see my aging parents with their daily struggles. As much as I knew and have been aware of it, I see their forgetfulness, fumbles, lack of cognition, being slow yet stubborn on doing things their own way especially when it comes to cleaning our home.
As much as we have a maid coming in for an hour, there are many smaller issues that only one would notice and not anyone else. I'm sure those of you who live with elderly parents know what it is like. Added to my list of senior citizens are my 3 cats. One fellow who keeps spraying around due to clinginess. Another one who has a paw injury that has gotten bad and fell day before in dog poop. He has simply not allowed any of us to get close to him to even clean him...so yes we had to deal with a stink and constant changing our sheets, covers and cleaning after. To lighten the situation as I was angry too, I told my mother "I guess life is already preparing us for this potty affair".
It is not a nice feeling at all to watch 5 living beings in this helpless situations as my parents are not fast enough any longer to grab this fellow and clean him. Their sense of smell is affected and they aren't being aware of the smell around.
All this while, they had me to rely on. I was a physical help..from bending, squatting, jumping, grabbing my cats, grooming them, cleaning up almost twice a day when they spray, their litter box, my studio space...all of this ability ceases to exist since I am in my 5th month of pregnancy. To sit back and enjoy my pregnancy is not entirely possible when I watch them suffer. I try to take those few moments to rest my back and chill.
To top this is my other end of uncertainty: the citizenship right of my child...since it cannot happen in India, and Malaysian laws are in themselves being regressive and a gray area that recognise 'fathers' who confer the citizenship to the child and not the mother.
Most people who asked me are 'shocked' no doubt. It is why I keep away from engaging, phone calls or even having to speak to others. There is an overload of piled up work that I am unable to attend to, let alone speaking to my own team members, let alone answering calls of others who just want to 'chat' which I don't do, and the very fact that I do have seizures to be worried about each week as the hormones play around.
Of all the other creative projects I have taken on in my life, as crazy and huge as they are, they were all external...here is my biggest creation taking place within me and there is much for me to 'try to not get overwhelmed by'. I do not have to be sorry if I am not in touch with anyone or have the time left since I am on a timeline legally and physically. I wish as women we stopped saying "Sorry I am not in touch" "Sorry I could not respond in time" "Sorry I am going through some stuff"...my journey is teaching me to stop being apologetic as if I owe anyone an apology towards social necessities...
The Trinity Goddesses (The Mistresses)
Acrylic on Paper
My journey into the esoteric arts and creation begun with the worship of Matrikas (Mother Goddesses) and of the Goddess Chamundeshwari being my given Mother deity from the age of 1 1/2 years. Growing up as a skeptic I questioned all of it and found my answers after the age of 30 when I consciously choose the life of a sanyasini. I had chosen to work with kids following another Mother Goddess initiation I received back in 2015. As I saw many other individuals coming out about their spiritual journeys, awakenings and learning, I could not do what they were doing as I was and have been always guided to keep mine selective and not open - although remaining open to what comes into my way.
This journey between worshipping Mother Goddesses and working with children brought me a life of contentment. I knew my purpose and everything else was secondary. Not only was a consumed with the work I did because the nature of my work with kids required that I be more than a 100% involved with them. When few students asked me "Didi, do you not wish to have kids of your own?" I replied "Yes, but maybe after I have done teaching all of you." I have and always been clear of what I wanted in life and I'm pretty certain my parents can vouch that. The stumbling blocks were purely social necessities and the multiple identities I came with.
As a single woman, having come out to the world about my conditions and queer identity, my label of schizophrenia was in the public domain. This was enough to create many hindrances, judgements and obstacles at seeking social and legal equality. I simply learnt my way into and of the system to ensure I had what was required for my protection and this was a blessing that there were many individuals to support 'my choice'. This choice that is denied to a woman, then furthermore denied to women who are queer and furthermore denied to women with a history of mental illness with such a strong label. But it didn't stop me to live my life and truth. I was not harming anyone or myself by living my truth so I simply do not see why I had to keep away from accessing the same life and rights as the rest of the world.
Now I journey into a path of motherhood as I enter the 19th week of my pregnancy. This was not a decision made on the spur of the moment but a very carefully thought out choice since 2010. I remember a conversation I had when a school friend asked me in good humour "So Resh, what are your plans for marriage, or kids or all the lovers in your life since in your case one can only expect the not-normal way".
My reply was not vague even then. "I'll have a child, likely a boy which has nothing to do with the gender issues in India of preferences over girl or boy child but I have my reasons that I don't expect others to understand. I am not going to marry for that as I do not see the role of a man in my daily life or even as a companion. This child will not be educated in regular schools but will be home-schooled and most certainly thrown into a school of martial arts first."
12 years later, January 2022 I walked into an IVF centre. The doctor inquired about my history and why the delay. "Well doctor, I had a brain tumour in 2011. I had to work on my recovery. I have a history of seizures and those medications. I had to figure out my career since I was not those lucky folks who could easily get a job after having a brain tumour and my history of schizophrenia, my chances to a great stable life like others was far more limited. So I built my own career and that is a 10 year journey as I needed the world to shut up from ostracising me purely because of my label. In a way I was held back to prove myself at many levels; to be financially physically and mentally stable and independent so that no law or individual can use my labels against me.
I do not think other women or individuals have to struggle with these fears. I 'could' have easily found a boyfriend and slept with him for the same thereby not having to pay a medical facility for helping me create a child. Either way my choices didn't leave room for people to judge me. If I had chosen to sleep with a man purely for the sake of getting pregnant, society would leave no room to destroy me and my child. When I chose IVF society did not leave room either to question the 'artificial' way, it is not natural, it is not right, why don't you adopt, we have enough kids who have no parents, this is not good for you, you already have a medical problem why bring in another, it takes a village to raise a child, do you have the money as education is so expensive these days....blah blah blah this list went on. Unwanted advices, suggestions and mostly projected personal fears. So I decided to keep my mouth shut since none of these folks were being of benefit to my journey but only adding to unwanted intellectual noise.
I doubted a lot of things but not myself. Who were any of these women to question me, and sadly always the educated ones. I doubted if society was ready but not if I was ready. I was ready. It was the pandemic period. My work in schools were stopped and there was an uncertainty on this area in terms of timeline. My parents were back in Pune and I had shared my choice with them, including with my aunt and grandmom. I did not need anyone else's opinion here when those who matter to me were supportive of it. My partner knew of my plan for years and we did keep discussing a range of possibilities that led to all kinds of amusing ways to get me pregnant. Foreign donor list, online websites, online sperm donors from outside of my own race, my father's advice was: find a Japanese or Swiss because the dna mixing does a play a role in the child's susceptibility to medical conditions like mine. My mother's was the funniest: chant for it and my grandmother's: Pray that Lord Shiva enters your life to grant you this. Here were 2 women who I come from, who are important women in my life, their English is not that great, and there aren't as well educated as half the other women whose advices I didn't ask. Their words were simple and to their understanding of life which I willingly accepted as their blessing. What more would I need when both of the wombs of the women who contributed towards my existence are being supportive to my choice of my womb? Is this not the yoni speaking or do we only consider the subject of the 'yoni' when it is written and orated by a man with a robe and undergone some million dollar research by doctors to approve of its' authenticity.
I was told I would have a lot of 'mood swings' during pregnancy...I am still wondering what is meant by that because I honestly see myself not having the time to think of mood swings or even the experience of it since a lot of hang ups and obstacles, test and trials have transpired since January 2022. I know what mood swings are given I've had to live with them for 20 years of my life. I also know I've reached a point in my life where I don't really have such swings any more and the pain that most women speak off is not the same for me. My pregnancy and the soul within me are not giving me issues. I am grateful for that. I do have seizures however that show up and these are the ones that induce that fear...to be at loss of memory, space and time, to feel even more exhausted after that. There is the pregnancy exhaustion, muscle aches and imbalances, to be aware of every posture I am in, the chores I do, to ensure when I bend to feed the cats or pick something up that I follow 'good pregnancy postures' and to add to this list is when a seizure shows up. To have half your body squirming and squeezing in pain from the inside, for your hand to jerk and go into a spasm, to feel current going up half your head, to have it hit your hip and leg and all I can do is to pray it skips my uterus and that nothing affects my child and me. That I remain in full consciousness after that one minute and continue breathing.
I have always been aware of this vulnerability in my case. However, just because I do not have the strength or feel like interacting or conversing with anyone does not mean I am unable to handle my situation. It only means I have better things to do and to keep scheduling other basic things like my shower, my meds, the cleaning I do have to do and to figure out a far more larger obstacle that is in my way which is not in my hands; my child's citizenship.
As per Indian constitution, my child cannot avail citizenship by birth since there is no other parent involved who is an Indian citizen. As per Malaysian laws, the country of my birth and citizen, women are still fighting for equal rights as they only recognise a Malaysian father with the right to confer automatic citizenship to his child even though it is the mother who is bearing and birthing the child. IVF in Malaysia is another gray area since it is only legal between married couples. A single woman like me, who opted IVF through an unknown sperm donor cannot deliver outside of the country. My current state of fears and obstacles are many. There is no guarantee of my own country giving my child a citizenship even if I deliver back home. The laws like in most countries are filled with loopholes and patriarchy hanging down our lives.
We are in an era of a global epidemic, yet we are stuck in regressive laws? Women are expected to meet every single social structure and demands, cultural and religious rights, financial and mental stability while yet having to rely on laws that favour men. How does one not get upset over these areas? Perhaps now it is clear as to why I don't have time to check if I am having a mood swing.
Between first doing my research on IVF and other pregnancy options, then followed by post embryo transfer research, self-care, and changes in medications, followed by research on seizures and pregnancy and dietary lifestyles, followed by now writing emails, reaching out to other folks and researching on what legalities I will have to go through as I do have a timeline for any delivery process and that is just 2 months in my hand. If schizophrenia taught me anything it was a condition of uncertainties. Here the condition is not in my hand any longer but that in laws. And this uncertainty of a stateless child, the unknown areas of how long will it truly take, will I have to stay back and possibility be stuck for months or years if the authorities do not issue a citizenship and passport to my child.
Discussions transpire at home now that I am back in Pune with my parents. It was a warm welcome and my grandmother was overjoyed too at my choice when the IVF process was explained to her. Although my father has his own projected fears which often times land me into a tiff with him, his fears are valid as he too does not really know for sure. Do we go elsewhere, do I deliver in a country where citizenship can be given purely by birth to a single foreign mother? What can our other options and plans be...as much as my mother is limited to her prayers and chants, it does not bring doubt to me, though the underlying problem cannot be ignored or distracted as it is a matter of a life.
But the blessings that have come my way are to be remembered. At every step of my process, there have been numerous individuals involved. Loved ones, colleagues, strangers including the team of doctors who were thrilled and said my pregnancy is a miracle. I am grateful to all these souls who in their own way have played a part, have had an influence, given the care and love, and I noticed that I was not ever left alone. This tells me in itself that although I often fail to see my blessings and get trapped in my anger, this being - this child is bringing in others in my life. Where I personally avoid people, this being is showing me a full circle of other living beings contributing to my journey.